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By: Stuart Goodwin
Published: 29th March 2014, 8:47pm

Church to seek Easter egg ban

Jesus was lactose intolerant

A new study conducted on DNA found on a sample of the Shroud of Turin has confirmed that Jesus was lactose intolerant and would not be able to eat a milk chocolate Easter egg.

Cardinal Glick said, "The study has shown that Our Lord and Saviour was indeed lactose intolerant and in the light of this new evidence the Church has decided it is no longer acceptable for any of its members to celebrate Easter, the feast of His resurrection, with something that would make him ill. The church has come under a lot of pressure during recent years to change with the times and adapt, a lot of it due to scientific research, we have adapted. You can't pick and choose, you asked for it."

It is also now thought that the miracle of turning water to wine, when the wine ran out during the Wedding at Cana, could be untrue and Jesus transformed milk into wine as he simply couldn't drink it and was thirsty.

A Seventh-day Adventist minister was quoted as saying "We are never going to get the Second Coming if He thinks you lot are going to stuff him full with chocolate the minute He gets here."